Narcissist is a word that has become far to popular and is used all over social media. It is complicated, because on the one hand, if we don’t share the information then people can’t know the warning signs. The issue though is that people often become flippant with the word, and apply it to jerks or self centered, single minded people that don’t exemplify the actual horror that come from narcissist.

Narcissism is a medical diagnosis. Many of us who have suffered at the hands of one do not have the background to diagnose, and those individuals rarely seek medical treatment. If they do, it is even less often that they are honest with those providers. So what are we to do? Well, describing the actual behavior is one route. Another is adding qualifying terms, such as suspected narcissist, undiagnosed narcissist, or saying someone is showing behaviors or traits consistent with narcissism.

That said, my ex called himself a narcissist, until he felt unsafe. Then he changed the narrative to say that he had narcissistic tendencies. Now he tries to pretend none of that exists. That said, a narcissist is most dangerous when they lose control.

For some it is physical, for others they will lash out and try to cause enough emotional distress that their victims act rashly. This is particularly poignant if those victims are dealing with family court. I am all too familiar with this. The web that is typically woven is something of the victim being unstable and in mental health crisis. This pattern is much easier to establish if they can provoke those victims into irrational actions. Those actions are not as irrational as they seem to others because the victims know the history of abuse, and the fact that due to intermittent reinforcement it is impossible to determine when the threats they make are real. Optics are the key to family court though. I have done enough research to know this.

Don’t be baited. Email your attorney if you need to. Yeah, it might be expensive, but it is still the better option. Your friends would much rather you talk to them over and over about what you feel is the same thing than for you to risk yourself or your children’s case.

The adages of “you have to take time for yourself” feel impossible when they are actively using their knowledge of how they have left scars to try and trigger your fight or flight. Try telling yourself that you only have to get through the next 30 minutes. And then after that, do the next 30. I know sometimes it can feel like a lifetime until you can get to your next call with the therapist or the attorney, but for me that time chunking method has really helped. Intentionally changing locations or activities after those chunks of time. Self checking for ways to fill the time, like do I need to shower or eat? Be ok if you just want to go to bed earlier, or turn off the phone. If you do that last one though, tell whoever you need to though so they don’t worry.

We got this guys. Comment or message if you want. You are not alone.