I’ve tried the Ghostbusters and Mystery Inc; they have both reported this is not the kind of phantom they can remove. Unfortunately, I did say we, because Addie is living with this specter too.

No, I haven’t gone all paranormal investigator on you, readers. I am referring to the ghost of memory that we can’t quite shake. Addie and I are out. Tyler helped get us out. I am safe. Addie is as safe as I can make her, but she currently has visitations with her father, Brandon. As far as I know, he has not harmed her—at least not in a legally definitive way. So why can’t we tell our brains and bodies, Okay, the coast is clear, lay off the alarm bells?

Most of you reading this are survivors, or trying to help those who are. Drop a message or a comment if you want. What you have to understand is that you are not weak or broken to have this reaction. Nor am I. Our brains and bodies were literally conditioned to survive situations where we were trapped in survival mode. In my case, it was years of this. We cannot turn it off that quickly.

I am nowhere near the peak point of hypervigilance anymore, thanks to a lot of hard work, but my nervous system still remembers the warzone where I spent more than a third of my life. For Addie, it was her entire life.

Hearing Through the Walls

Recently, the ghost showed up when Tyler had to use what we refer to as “the loud voice.” Not at her. Never at her. It was just the dang raccoons messing with the garbage again..

But for Addie, her body remembered the voices she used to hear through the walls when I would send her to her room, turn her TV up loud, and pray she couldn’t hear us fighting.

This time, she did amazing. She used her words to let us know she felt scared. As a team, we soothed her, reminded her that the noise wasn’t directed at her, and double-checked that no one here ever uses a loud voice at her unless we are making sure she is physically safe. I can’t control what happens when she is with Brandon, and unfortunately, her face says enough sometimes when she comes home. But her resilience is showing. Within five minutes, she was back to her normal self.

We have to give ourselves patience and forgiveness. We will get there.

Surviving the Phantom: A Short Directive

I could give the standard advice that the ghost can’t hurt you anymore. That could be a lie, though, so I won’t. Just like I won’t lie to Addie and tell her that no one will ever use a loud voice near her again. What I can tell you is to try and give yourself some short, actionable directives when the panic hits:

• Stop. Just pause where you are.
• Breathe. Focus entirely on the air moving in and out.
• Speak the Reality: Tell yourself, out loud, exactly what is happening. Hearing the sensory sound of your own voice helps break the panic cycle. Do it more than once.
• Ground the Senses: Find a physical anchor. I find strong mint tastes and smells help shock my system back into the present.
• Prepare in Advance: If you know an unexpected car door makes you feel the ghost on your neck, make a plan. Leave your doors locked, or get a security camera if you can. If your trigger is the sound of dropping objects, try using rubber mats to dampen the noise in your kitchen.
• Keep Talking: Keep sharing your reality with the people who actually care about you.
• Don’t Call the Scooby Squad: They don’t help.

Remind yourself of what you can control. We can’t fight ghosts with weapons, but one day, we will forget about them to the point that they will be nothing but a memory that doesn’t matter anymore.