Hollywood helped give an insight to moms in a different way with the movie Bad Moms. The first time I saw it, the movie was just light and funny. Like many people who have survived abuse, I have strong tendencies with watching new things. I don’t really know why books feel safer, but they do. Maybe because they are somehow more manageable to get a feel for, or because there are fewer inputs. In any case, I don’t proceed with as much caution reading as I do watching.

When it comes to movies unless I have a pretty clear idea of where it is going, or the niche it fills, I like to stick with comedies, sports movies, historical movies, or rewatches. I love fantasy, and science fiction, but it can feel overwhelming to try and take on a new world.

Bad Moms though, it just shows this side of motherhood that isn’t romanticized because it isn’t pretty. Not unlike the journey many of us are leading. Being less than pleasing doesn’t mean that those stories aren’t vital. I think they are more important because they are messy. As moms, especially in the modern time, we are expected to be everything. Nothing we do is right. Buy the cupcakes so they are safe and standardized, but if you make them then it is cheaper and can be healthier.

I find myself conflicted when I’m to relax in the short times I have. On the one hand I know how much I needed the rest time, but I also know I am worried for Addie. There are components of her time with her Dad that make me less worried, people I know who care for her. Then I take care of her behavior when she gets back. I watch her jump over accidents, cry because of a small mistake, and I know… something is off. Time to talk to my people again. At the end of the day, I can relax. I do take care of myself. It is a requirement. I write, read, talk to friends, rewatch Blue Bloods, for the millionth time, hang out with my cats, I’m allowed to have those now. Sometimes I garden or journal, play games. By the way, if you rewatch, you’re not alone. Studies in media psychology demonstrate that up to 70% to 80% of individuals managing severe anxiety, hypervigilance, or Complex PTSD intentionally engage in “comfort rewatching”—the repetitive viewing of familiar television series—specifically to lower cortisol production by eliminating narrative uncertainty.

Anyone like me, you aren’t a bad mom. What has worked or me so far when I’m having trouble with my peace, is being willing to sit with it. Trying to make the discomfort go away too fast, it is just something else to worry about if it doesn’t work. If I’m uncomfortable, then I’m uncomfortable. I improve what I can, aka control what I can, and do what I can to focus on that. Maybe this perspective will help others.