I won’t lie to you. It serves no purpose. I wanted to believe that when I escaped the worst was over. In some ways, things got better, and in some ways they got worse.

As abuse survivors, we constantly survey the landscape, take in information, and make appropriate adjustments. We are excellent analyzers of data.

Once you are out, because you will be, the abusers will still try control, manipulate, and abuse you how they can. Now the difference is they have limited access. You also have limited ability to take in information.

My best advice, if I could do anything different, would have been to file a domestic violence protection order, gone to the police the first time, anything to get that paper trail. I cannot change that now, and I am in good company because less that 20% go the police according to some studies.

In lieu of that, my next step then is to find a good attorney. How is one different than another? You do not want to find that out the hard way. There are some obvious components here. Your lawyer should listen, and believe you about what you have gone through. They should be honest, but also advocate for you. They should tell you what to do gather evidence and protect yourself.

You do not need an attorney who promises to throw punches or win the war; you need an attorney who knows how to hold a concrete firewall and recognize a threat. When an abuser is throwing everything at you, a bad attorney gets emotionally reactive, or opens the gate. A great attorney simply points to the law, documents the behavior, and refuses to let the other side derail the timeline. Basically, ups the defense.

If you are seeing these, it may be time to switch:

Your attorney continuously asks you to “compromise” on safety boundaries just to make the other side happy.

Your attorney treats the ex’s aggressive legal motions as standard behavior rather than identifying it as post-separation harassment.

You feel like you are having to defend yourself to your own counsel.

But make sure you get your new lawyer before leaving your old one.