My posts have become more spaced out, and I cannot say that I like it. I am proud of the work I have done to heal and begin growing again. It has not been easy to find ways to build community and put down roots and… try to thrive when life has been so… calling it unfair feels like an oversimplification of the realities of my situation.

My brain wants to call what I am in the homestretch, but I have been gently reminded recently that it is not. What I am doing for my daughter, Addie, is trying desperately to provide stability and a home that will allow her to grow in a healthy way. This goal is not shared by her father.

I have found what felt like regression. I had so many positive signs of growth and healing. Being able to write for one was massive. I have been reaching out to the community, I have been creating, and I have been reconnecting with parts of my support network I have let go of in many ways. It was all positive. Then, he did what so many abusers do: he began adapting his manipulations to the situation he was in. Brandon could not access me, so instead going through our daughters, and our lawyers, anything was the best option. So he has. Unfortunately, this has been with full disregard for the impact it has put on her, or the fact that what he has done is abhorrent.

This had initially left me confused. Why was I back where I felt like it was hard to read much less write? Why did it feel like it took so much to do basics? I cried privately when I realized. Despite the success of my leaving, Brandon managed to put me back in survival mode and force my exhaustion by requiring me to keep the plates spinning.

Accepting that I was back in a fight or flight (or freeze or fawn) sucks. It is one of the worst feelings I didn’t think to imagine. My therapist, he did say something that helped tremendously though, and I hope it helps someone else. It isn’t a backslide. It is a pause button. My work, my growth, my strength, it hasn’t been lost. Instead, it is that I have finally realized what my subconscious did first: I need to just focus on basics for now, and know that getting through is enough for now.