Parents who have survived domestic abuse understand the new kind of hell we enter when we start trying to work out a custody and parallel or coparenting situation. I am not here to judge anyone for how they try to move forward after getting through. No answer really feels right. I can tell you in my case I hid everything about the abuse that I possibly could from Addie. I didn’t want her to see her father as anything bad, even if it was a lie.

I got out. It took 8 tries, but I did. I’m thankful and proud. Now though, I am trying to figure out how I help her to survive. My fellow survivors who are trying to help our kids, we know what this looks like. In my personal case, it involved knowing that Addie often returns from time with her father hungry, dirty, and emotionally dysregulated.

How do we handle this? I feel like I have read more parenting books in the last year then I could have imagined trying to ensure I am doing everything I can to support her. I’ve read the advice, I’ve tried it, and I’ll share what works for me. Something I will also do because sometimes I think we just need to hear (or read) one another say it. This isn’t fair. Addie deserves to have a parent take care of her, completely. Not do bare minimum not to be considered criminal so that she feels she needs to hide all of her fears and problems. It is… a failing of the system.

Now that I have had my shaking fist at sky moment we all sometimes need to feel a little better, here is what I have done that helps.

1- Assess priorities. What is affecting her most right now?

2- Handle whatever is top priority. Often it is lets get fed, but if it isn’t that, we figure out whatever we need to and meet that need.

3- Focus on doing the things that are the most regulating for her, and make sure we are helping her to reclaim her language. We use lots of I feel, I want models, along with reminders about manners.

4- Give lots of reminders and grace about any rules that might be different, or if they seem to be extra anxious or rude with you. If you are the parent they know they can safely show those emotions to, then this means like in my case, they have bottled them and are letting them out. For Addie, we do a lot of trying to talk though it. “I notice your voice is louder than it was, and your mouth is frowning. Do you think you know why?” and allow that to start the conversation

5- We try really hard not to have set plans around transitions, even though that is harder for us. It means Brandon still controls more of my life than I would like, but if Addie needs a run around time, I want to be able to give it to her. If she needs a movie and cuddle time, that has to be an option

6- I hate this one, but it is a reality of dealing with a manipulator. I have caught him in lies already. I know he will do it again, I simply don’t know when or about what. I record much of Addie’s first evening back. If there is any bruising that is unexplained, I take a photo. I also am prone to turning on the voice recorder and leaving it for a long period. Sometimes she randomly brings up something from her Dad’s I am glad I have. Other times, it is just nice to know I can prove I am not interrogating her which brings us to

7- Try really hard not to overly question about the other parents home. Often they will need to decompress and talk about it, but I have from for mine, it is best to allow her to do it on her terms. She may bring up something adjacent, like how glad she is to be in the bath, and that can open up a question, but again, this is where recording is helpful for you. It means you can prove you were not alienating or interrogating. Like about the bath, I might ask Addie, did I do something to make the bath feel extra good or has it been a bit since you had a bath? This lets her give the feedback she wants to give. Or I might give an observation, but again, it is important it is not criticizing that other parent. I don’t know enough, I’m not a psychologist, but it seems neutral is the best I can offer her, and she has to come to terms with who her father is while I provide her with consistency and security. So I might point out I notice she seems tired, and let her guide the conversation. If she is angry about him missing a piano recital, I make sure to acknowledge her feelings, and validate them, and let her talk. I try to help her find outlets, but let her know it is ok to sit with those feels for awhile too if she needs to.

As Ms. Houston once sang, “It’s not right, but it’s ok.”

Hang in there y’all.