A scripted life implies I didn’t have a voice, and I think many survivors would agree that is a good description. What is didn’t expect to feel was that I was blind. At least, I was for a period. There is an old saying about hindsight being 20/20, and that saying keeps getting said (usually when we least want to hear it) because it is true. I think that for those who have suffered any form of intense trauma it is especially so because our brain are literally altered and it affects our memories. In my case, I’m lucky enough to be healing. I don’t know if everyone’s works this way, but for me, I feel some of my memory recovering in a blurry, patchy sort of way. That recovery is nice in some ways, because it feels like getting my life back, but terrible in others. I am realizing more and more how much I missed; how blind I really was.

This leads to another why. I have been asked so many whys in this process. Why I didn’t leave sooner, why I didn’t prosecute, why I let him do that (those people…. they are a special bunch) but not as special as the bunch who ask why I complain so much, at least he didn’t hit you. Them at least can get shut up with a quick, “he didn’t hit me much.” This why though, it a deeper one, or it feels deeper right now:

Why didn’t I realize I was being abused until I was in too deep? It is the classic frog in the pot of boiling water concept. How was it I didn’t notice the water getting hotter? It seemed impossible to so many who knew me that I wouldn’t notice someone becoming so toxic. Especially those who knew me back then, before Marshall, my ex husband. I think the words many would have used would have included fiery, passionate, vivacious, and kind. It was hard for them to equate that person with one who could allow this to happen to themselves. That is just it though, I was the perfect storm for someone like Marshall.

People who have histories like mine find it more difficult to see the signs or symptoms of abusers. Our brains find it difficult to recognize when they make others uncomfortable, or do grooming behaviors that should cause alarm bells in our heads. Why? Perhaps I’m overusing that word, but answering why is vital to helping others, so I’ll keep using it. My history includes environments with people with mental health needs, family who have fought hard and broken cycles of abuse, but that means it takes time to continue improving, and, to be blunt, Marshall was not the first violent man in my history.

So sure, I was a soon to be teacher, and I ran my own business successfully. I had a happy group of friends, a brother and a sister I loved, and a dog I loved. My life was filled with going to the gym, meeting friends, reaching for goals, and improving myself. Among other things. On the surface, I was a low risk for this sort of thing. Don’t believe everything you see, and certainly, don’t take anything at face value. It is always what is below the surface that is the most interesting… or dangerous.